April 27, 2010 - Dear Alex

Dear Alex,
Once again I feel like I've fallen behind on your blog. Life is busy that way. Perhaps I should have created a weekly blog for you like your brother. That format forces me to do the updates. (I shouldn't say "forces" because I enjoy this!).

So who are you at 20 months?

You're this incredible being.

Today mama and I marveled at your ingenuity. You made it clear you wanted the keys we keep on the fireplace mantle. I gave them to you and then you proceeded to move the ottoman next to the door so you could stand on it and try to put the key in the lock.

How do you know to do these things?

How do you know in the mornings to bring me my shoes or Max's shoes or find your own shoes?

You've discovered the patterns of life and our way of being and you've not only fit in you've proved your ready for the next lesson.

"Remind me that The Twos don't last forever," mama said to me yesterday.

You're not a Terrible Two at Twenty Months. But you are a determined little boy who won't let his youngest-in-the-family status get in the way of whatever you want.

And you're also this incredibly cuddly kid. I love seeing you light up when mama brings you to my work or when I come home. Your big blue eyes sparkle at moments like that. And I know it doesn't sound good, but I love it when you get a bit scared and you reach for my hand or reach your hands high in the air asking me to pick you up. I know how to make you laugh. Even when you're crying this little trick works. I pick you up and put your belly on my head. Not sure what it does for you. But you laugh every time.

Your brother loves to cuddle you too. Max is so protective and caring for you it's incredible. Sitters all comment on how Max comes to your side if you show any fuss. "It's okay Alex," he says mimicking what I say to you both in times of comfort.

Your determination also is apparent as you learn everything. You understand everything in English and Spanish. Your speaking more and more words and even saying a few phrases. You say "mama, papa, Max, bubbles, agua" and others. Remarkably you also say "aqua de coco." Most exciting to mama you say "mama amo."

You've also shown us that you know French. Julie has spent about an hour with you four times or so. Already you're showing us that you understand what she says.

You're amazing. That's who you are!

March 27, 2009 - Dear Dad,

Dear Dad, You've missed three of the best years of my life.

You met Max. But you never got to see him walk, run or dribble a basketball. You never got to hear him say your name, ask you to read him a book or show you his silly self.

Max is almost four now. He's an amazing kid; you'd love him. He is very athletic, loves books and has a sense of humor. I'm thinking that'd be your big three.

He also loves to learn. He's adventurous. And he has his own opinions about everything.

I think of you often when I'm with Max. I've played some card games with him. He seems to love matching the numbers, determining which are better and figuring out the suits. He also likes numbers of other kinds. Once he was counting I had him adding and subtracting. You'd be proud of him -- and surprised at me for continuing your tradition of "math games" with him. And you'd have gotten a big kick out of when he asked me where I learned to juggle and without thinking I replied "The Orient."

You never did meet Alex.

You never got to see his big blue eyes light up when you play with him. You never got to feel him cuddle up next to you. And you never got to see him imitate is big brother in whatever he's doing.

He was born a couple weeks after your birthday and sometimes I think he looks like you. Other times I think I'm just exaggerating.

I think Max looks more like me but I find that I look more for myself in Alex because he's the second brother. Sometime I think I over-react on his side when Max takes his toys, invades is space or otherwise pushes him around.

Alex looks like Max, seems to have similar interests and loves his brother dearly -- just as Max loves him. Alex wants to do everything Max does: Max gets up from the table, Alex wants out. Max takes a book for a ride in the care, Alex gets a book. Max poops on the toilet, Alex pulls at his pants. Alex is just as athletic, curious and determined as Max.

As much as Alex naturally loves and imitates his big brother, he becomes his own person when he's away from him. He seems to just be a bit more carefree -- or maybe I'm exaggerating again, trying to see myself in him; trying to see him get a chance to get out of the big brother shadow.

I never got to ask you about being a father. I know I avoided telling you how I felt about you as a dad. But that's a whole other blog entry perhaps I'll do some day. I do wonder what you liked about being a dad. What you wanted for us. What you thought you did well. What you'd wanna do over. And a whole bunch more questions.

Fatherhood is as they say: the hardest job I'll ever love.

Not having a father is hard too.

March 23, 2010 - Dear Mama,

Dear Mama,
Our boys are growing up.

Over the weekend you were away, I found myself just staring at Alex and seeing our little one slowly grow into a man. I know he's only 19 months old today, but he's more of a little boy than a baby. He's quickly finding his own way and learning to navigate this world.

I know what's hitting you is the end of breast feeding. I can't imagine what sort of a connection that gave you with both our boys.

What's hitting me is that he's becoming more independent in other ways. He walks. And over the weekend I swear he was talking to Max and I -- or at least he was telling us that he's going to be talking very soon. He goes off and plays by himself. He demands things. He has wants beyond just food and diaper changes.

The weekend as single parent was hard but so much fun too. I even got to spend time with each of them alone. Friday, Max took a nap after playing at the zoo with Leslie and Clay. Thus, Alex and I got to have dinner together. He played with a ball on the deck while I grilled. And then with the weather so nice we at outside. The whole thing reminded me of when Max was a baby and he and I would go outside on the deck every morning to listen and watch the birds and squirrels.

I remember way back when I was a restless teenager and wrote that I wanted to grow up quickly because the world was changing so fast that I might not be able to do all the things I dreamed of.

And more recently I remember hoping for the days my boys were a bit older so I could selfishly have more time for myself.

Then this weekend Max was off in his world watching his TV show and Alex was playing a game only he understood walking around the house picking up various toys and moving them to what seemed like random places, it hit me like middle-age hit me:

Slow down!

We're all growing up so fast. I I barely remember my teenage angst and I hardly remember holding my babies.

I know I'm over-reacting. Max is not even four and Alex is less than half that.

I miss my babies.

And I'm so excited to see how they, us and all this turns out!

March 20, 2010 - Dear X Boys,

Dear X Boys, Playing single dad this weekend made me realize how much I love you guys.

I know I'm far from perfect: I check e-mail too often, I get distracted by who and what is around me, today I made a bigger deal about Max's poop accident than I should have and I sometimes don't stand up strong enough to Max for Alex.

But I know I'm doing my best for you two.

It's an incredible gift I have that I can spend as much time as I can with you both. Without thinking about it, I've created a business that affords me such flexibility and freedom. I know I complain sometimes that I can't get my work done.

But the darn truth is that enough always seems to get done.

March 8, 2009 Dear Alex,

Dear Alex,
You've expanded your vocabulary a bit. You now say "agua," your first spanish word and "boo boo" as in hurt finger.

March 2, 2010 - Dear Alex,

Dear Alex,
A quick update...

Max and I think we heard you say duck yesterday. For some reason you love ducks. For awhile you were imitating Donald Duck.

Recently you got a duck with hearts for Valentines Day that you hugged all night and then a few weeks later you got a pirate duck, which you also held onto like it was the best thing in the world.

Your sleeping routine has changed a bit. After bath we try to give you a snack: apple, pear, or similar. You still fall asleep feeding. Now after a several weeks of sleeping with Max, we're back to putting you in the crib. You wake up. I pick you up and take you for some water. After you drink, you're ready for resuming sleep. You usually crash as soon as I lie you down.

Sometimes I put you on the couch while I play online poker or watch TV (like the other night when we watched a tape delay of the gold medal Olympic hockey game). Other times it's right to the crib. Tonight actually you ended up back in bed with Max; it was the only way I was getting you to sleep.

And for some reason, Max has decided to start joining you for bath time. Before he would watch a cartoon while you bathed. Now he jumps in soon after you.

You are so anxious to learn and to do stuff. You remind me of me in that sense. Mama reported today that you follow her around the house helping to put away dirty clothes, wipe up spills or put away some dishes. When Max is around, you do what he does. I feel closer to you lately.

We seem to spend more time together and you seem to be more willing to go for me when you need comforting rather than just mama. Of course, this makes me melt.