Monday, August 31, 2009

August 31, 2009 Dear Dave,

Dear Dave, I just wanted you to know how you helped shape me as a parent.

You wrote me a note soon after missing my Chicago wedding shower. You said you were sorry, of course. More importantly you told me you forgot because you were too busy and having too much fun with your kids.


I think about that a lot. And I'll think about you lots when I'm too happily busy with my kids.

You taught me long before I had kids what it means to be a good dad.


I'll thank you forever for that!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

August 26, 2009 Dear Child Therapists,

Dear Child Therapists,
My second son turned one a few days ago and I realized that no matter how much I think I'm raising him the same as his brother, his early experiences are very different.

This is normal and he'll turn out just fine, right?

On a simple level, now that there are two of the we simply don't have the time or -- admittedly -- the energy to give him everything his brother had.
Alex is breast-feeding longer, sleeping worse and taking longer to walk than his brother. Perhaps this is because we haven't given Alex all the one-on-one and two-on-one attention his brother got. Perhaps we do more letting the two boys play with toys on the floor rather than take the time to hold Alex's hands as we walk him around the room. Perhaps the breast-feeding and non-sleeping-through-the-night is due to his need to have comfort at night rather than some of the chaos of our daily lives. I hate to admit some of the things that Max got that Alex hasn't got starting with his own decorated room (Alex's room doubles as a play room). Two of my favorite early memories of Max involve the planet mobile we put above his bed. I think it was the first time I clearly saw his instinctual curiosity come to the surface. Later, when I made the planets move, he smiled and I saw how he would enjoy the world. Alex hasn't got a mobile. I don't want this to sound like an apology or to make it seem like Alex is some sort of deprived child. I am an over-thinker so maybe I'm over-thinking this to.

Alex does get as much attention as we can give him and he is loved as much as his brother. All I'm trying to say is that his world has been different. I've also realized that there is no way we -- or anyone -- can raise their kids the same.

I also know that Alex has had experiences his brother never had and
is advancing in some ways faster than his brother. Having an older brother has divided his parents attention which has allowed Alex to become more comfortable playing by himself than I remember Max being at this age. Alex is similarly more content with what comes his way than Max -- again, perhaps because he has learned that compromise and waiting is normal. (Then again, trying to remember what Max was like two years ago isn't as easy as one without kids would believe). This doesn't mean that Alex doesn't have desires and doesn't voice his wants and frustrations. He is very communicative and let's us know what he wants. He grunts, he points and he leans toward whatever it is he wants. He also seems to be a faster crawler, being able to go from being put down in one room to another room before I'm able to sit down and play with him.

As a second son, you'd think I'd be overly concerned that my second son would get everything his older brother got. I promise I try.

As a parent of two active boys, I do my best to give both my boys my best. Sometimes my best means getting them less stuff and giving them more time to themselves.


This is all okay, right?

August 23, 2009 Dear Village,

Dear Village,
If it takes a village to raise a child then we're living in the right place! Thanks to all our family and friends (those pictured and those not) for being here for us!














Wednesday, August 12, 2009

August 8, 2009 Dear X Boys,

Dear X Boys,
I was away from you both for almost a whole week. The time away gave me time to get some stuff done and gave me time to think about all sorts of stuff.

I flew up on Monday morning with you and helped you and mama get settled in at Grandma's. I flew out that night back to Nashville. I have to admit that part of this time away was intended for me to recharge the batteries. As much as I love you both, it's a lot of work juggling being a papa, running the stores and keeping track of all the real estate ventures going on.

Another big part of the week was for me to get a vasectomy. Your mama and I decided that the four of us are a complete family. We talked long before we got married that one or two children would be our limit. We're older parents. We believed then and now that two children is the perfect number. This gives us the time, energy and financial ability to provide for the two of you.

Another intent of the week was to give me time to catch up at work. Your mama and I also decided that we'd spend as much time as we possible could with the two of you. Luckily we both are in a job position that gives us this flexibility. Lately I've been struggling with keeping up at work. Thus, I used much of this week to clear some projects (and lots of papers) off my work desk. The results were positive. However, I missed you both (and your mama) lots.

The time away also gave me plenty of opportunities to reflect. Mostly I thought about how lucky I am to have such a family and such a life. Your mama is an incredible woman who would (and does) sacrifice anything and everything for the two of you. Admittedly there are times when there is some tension between us. However, these moments are limited and mainly caused by
everyday stresses. And the two of you are the best things in my life. When I play baseball with Max or just sit on the floor and play with Alex, I experience a joy that I've never felt. When either of you smiles or laughs I get this shiver and I want to explode and say: "Look at these boys! They're perfect."

Perhaps it was a mistake but the first thing I did when I got back to Nashville and an empty house was watch a documentary about a boy with bipolar disorder who eventually kills himself. I kept thinking of my boys and all the possible bad things that could happen to them. I cried.

And then the next day I had a vasectomy and then I spent the rest of the week thinking, working and sleeping a bit.

I love you boys so much.

I'm glad you'll be home soon.